Fresh off my 30-second knockout of the Piano Man and with his 23-year-old girlfriend now on my arm, I, Johnny Fists, prepare for my next opponent: Colin Farrell.
Now, I am not gonna lie—I'm a little nervous about this one.
Farrell has a reputation for being a hard-drinking, rabble-rousing sort of fella.
But he's Irish, so he's dumb as a rock.
Plus, he is more pretty boy than bad ass. And I shouldn't let his tattoos fool me.
A tattoo of the phrase Carpe Diem?
Lame.
A tattoo of a black cross?
Cliche.
I told you he was stupid.
And here's the kicker: despite his "tough-guy" image, the dude was a line dance instructor back in Ireland.
All of the above, any sensible person would think, is enough to warrant a serious need for an intervention. Like, c'mon man, have some respect for yourself.
And before I take up more of your time with his lame-ass biography, I have to tell you the real reason why I want to beat up this joker: The dude is just the absolute worst actor in Hollywood.
If he even had any acting ability whatsoever, I'd probably not waste my time and energy beating up this clown.
But he owes me $7.50 I spent on a ticket for his crappy-ass movie S.W.A.T.
To this day, that is the only time I ever feel asleep while watching a movie in a movie theater. And I saw I Heart Huckabees on opening day.
It was a good thing I never saw the movie Phone Booth in the theaters. I swear, I would have gouged out my eyes and stabbed scissors in my ears just to end those 81 minutes of torture.
Our brave soldiers, fighting wars in foreign lands, should use the Phone Booth as a torture device. It's gotta be more effective than water torture.
An enemy combatant would drive himself crazy wondering why the Caller never just shot Colin's character at the beginning and saved us the agony of watching that movie.
You'd think that after the release of Phone Booth this clown would never act in a movie again.
Wrong.
He appeared in the movie Daredevil with Ben Affleck. In fact, the no-talent Affleck beat out Farrell for the lead role.
Any time Affleck beats you out for a role, it's usually time to hang up the acting shoes.
The thing that really bugs me is Farrell got paid $10 million for his role in both Alexander and Miami Vice.
I can't accept that.
It's fight time!
Still not over getting jilted by a woman (Actress Eileen Watkins) over four decades older than him and seeing her place a peek on my cheek, Farrell sucker punches me with a wild right hook, knocking me to the ground and causing my lower lip to bleed.
So the Irishman is a dirty fighter—no surprise there!
But he is a bit unsteady on his feet (he's probably drunk) and looks oddly like a leprechaun in real life.
Realizing that he loves looking at himself in the mirror, I shout out, "Look, there's a mirror over there," which causes him to look away for second...I told you he was stupid.
I proceed to throw a lightning-quick one-two combo that stuns him and sends him flying backwards to the ground.
I run up and begin kicking him in his ribcage when he cries out in his real voice—which sounds eerily similar to Sir Charms, the guy on the Luck Charms cereal box—to stop the fight.
With a busted face and a few broken ribs, he offers to take me out to the pub and buy me a few beers—you know, to bury the hatchet.
I'm a decent and reasonable guy, so I shake his hand and agree to end the fight.
We proceed to the pub where I drink free beers and laugh at his terrible taste in women.
And before I leave the pub, I tell him, if he ever disgraces the country of Ireland again I will have to hunt him down and put him in his place.
Winner by TKO: Johnny Fists.
Career Record: 2-0.
Next Opponent: Jeff Dunham and any or all of his dummies.
