Billy Joel

Oh, this is an easy one. Billy Joel...what a jackass.


The biggest crock of shit I have ever heard in my life. I swear, if I hear "it's nine o'clock on a Saturday" in a bar one more time, I am going to drop kick the first fat bald dude I see.

How can anyone take this schmuck seriously?

He honestly considers himself rock'n'roll.

How can you be rock'n'roll when you roll out tunes like River of Dreams?

River of Dreams, really? More like Cesspool of Nightmares.

Now a few of you Joel fans out there may know he was a boxer growing up.

Not scared one bit.

Yeah, yeah, so the dude strapped on some gloves and threw a soft jab or two.

Please.


With his ego swollen from years of banging supermodels, hitting the sauce and failing field sobriety tests, his soft core is begging to get a one-two combo from someone.

That someone is Johnny Fists.

Why, Johnny Fists, do you want to throw a quick right hook to his neat goatee?

Well, besides my hatred for his "supposed" puglistic background (doubt it was anything special), and his conflicting musical persona (rock'n'roll/classical composer), the kicker for me is his "tough guy" act.

The moment I decided that I had to direct a roundhouse kick to his blubbery core was the moment he tried to be a "badass" to the dudes on American Chopper.

Yeah, those guys.

Those dudes should've ripped his head from his torso and thrown the remains in the Hudson River.

Enough with all the pre-fight hype though, here is the blow-by-blow account of Johnny Fists versus Billy Joel.

(Full disclosure: I do realize he is old as shit and probably needs medical assistance to get it up for his 23-year-old wife)


First, the fat bastard tips the scales at well over 200 pounds, but I am not worried about the weight difference.

No problem.

This fight is over in 30 seconds.

A straight overhand right will power through his shitty defense and cause him to stumble back a little bit.

That's when I pounce.

A left hook, thrown with precision, will connect to his right temple, and as he is falling backwards, before his eyes roll into the back of his head, a right uppercut that catches just beneath one of his chins.

Light out for the Piano Man.

Winner by KO: Johnny Fists.

Career record: 1-0.

Next Opponent: Colin Farrell.